I started watching manosphere influencers when I was about 13.
Partly because I felt a bit lost – but mostly, I was just curious. I was getting into the gym, trying to level up, wanting to better myself. I watched this video: “7 habits that made me a millionaire by 21.” It felt inspiring – I was like, ‘this dude is pretty cool’. Finally, someone giving clear steps on how to be better – lift weights, read books, meditate, set goals. I was hooked.
And honestly, at first, it helped.
I got more focused. I started training seriously. I even felt more confident.
But what I didn’t see at the time was how the messages were slowly shifting. The content went from “here’s how to grow” to “here’s what’s wrong with the world.”
From self-improvement to resentment. From motivation to manipulation. They made it sound like if you weren’t dominant, emotionless and in control, then you weren’t a real man. They presented a very particular ideal, one version of masculinity… and made it out like anything that didn’t conform to that ideal was wrong, weak and made you less of a man.
At first, I didn’t question it. And then, eventually, I adopted that mindset because they were feeding me what I wanted to hear: that I could be powerful. That I didn’t need other people. That if I just followed the rules, I’d win.
But I didn’t feel like I was winning.
I felt more angry. More arrogant. Less open to other ideas. And slowly, I was cutting myself off from the people around me.
That’s the thing. They tell you to ditch the friends who aren’t “on your level.” They make you believe you’re weak if you disagree with their message. They glorify the suppression of your emotions and control, even over people who care about you.
They make you feel like your entire worth as a man is based on how jacked you are, how much money you make, and how good you are at manipulating women – you know what I mean?
That’s the real danger of it. You start to think, ‘Maybe… Maybe they have a point, you know, maybe that’s true.’
And then it starts creating loops.
You know that phenomenon, where you think about a red car and suddenly all you see are red cars? It’s like that.
The impact on me? I thought I was becoming stronger. But really, I was just becoming more alone.
Then I joined Top Blokes.
I was 14 when I started the program.
Straight away, it felt different. These mentors – they weren’t preaching. They were just real. They were authentic. They were strong, yeah – but kind too. Empathetic. Values-driven. You could look up to them and actually want to be like them. They showed strength in being kind, respectful, being vulnerable and open with each other. They showed strength in having a good heart, good values, and you could respect that in a much deeper way. They made empathy and kindness cool.
They helped me realise that I cared about being a good person.
The Top Blokes Youth Workers made it safe to talk. Safe to question things. Safe to test out ideas.
I could bring in the stuff I was seeing online, say it out loud, and not get judged, but challenged in a good way.
They’d ask: Is that really true for you? Is that what your real-life experience tells you? Is this the sort of man you want to be? Where is that mindset going to lead you?
It was the first place I’d found where I could be truly authentic and honest, test ideas, and figure out who I actually was. And that actually made me feel powerful and in control, but in all the right ways.
I think the reason these influencers are so popular is that young men feel lonely and powerless. Top Blokes gave me the chance to overcome those problems within myself, reframe things, and give me back the control and authenticity that I had lost to these influencers.
Each week for two terms, we met with our mentors, and gradually those negative thoughts, feelings and loneliness were eroded away. I was able to work out what was valuable and what was crap. Top Blokes helped give me those skills to decipher that, choose what I was consuming and fix that informational diet.
The best part? It didn’t stop when the program ended.
I kept showing up. I joined in other Top Blokes sessions that were run for other groups. I attended other Top Blokes graduations, and I joined the Top Blokes Youth Ambassador Council. I’ve even started making my own content now, reaching boys like I used to be – with honesty and hope, not hate and negativity.
The impact Top Blokes has had on our school has been huge. It feels like we’re starting a movement; we’re getting around each other and lifting each other up. Our Youth Support Coordinator, Chris Perry, is genuinely brilliant and has encouraged us to lead in our school community. We organised a Top Blokes Evening for Men’s Health Week. We had panel discussions, local mental health orgs came along, and our Top Blokes graduates talked about their own journeys too.
I’m proud that I’ve gone from seeking validation to knowing my own values and what is really important to me. If you asked me now what being a “top bloke” means, I’d say it starts with being authentic. It’s not about being perfect. It’s about liking who you are, being open to growth, and lifting the people around you up, too.
If you’re working with boys, here’s my advice:
Lead with curiosity, not judgment.
Most of us aren’t trying to be difficult. We’re just trying to figure it out in a world that doesn’t give us many real options.
I feel like it’s kind of like undeniable that a lot of young men feel disenfranchised. And I think a lot of it comes from a message of “keep your head down, don’t be a nuisance to anybody and don’t say the wrong things or step out of line.”
Maybe we need room to experiment and be more vocal. With the guidance of organisations like Top Blokes we can be vocal about the right things in the right way.
And if you’re a young man like I was – watching this content, feeling unsure, trying to be stronger – ask yourself:
‘What are you really looking for?‘
Because I promise, there’s a better way to get there, bro.
Want to support more young men like Ben or learn more about how we can deliver a Top Blokes program in your school or community? Get in touch.
